Drained. Empty. Lost.
What has done this to me?
Well I (being the self-destructive idiot that I am) decided to read all the saved conversations I have from Emotionally Unintelligent and his friends just before we 'broke up' (the inverted commas are there because how can you break something that was never whole?) so that I could finally delete them.
We were mid-fight because he had been a rude, obnoxious, unsympathetic cunt to my friends and had never made an effort to make me feel of any value to him. All the signs were there. He ended every comment on a delicate subject with 'lol' and avoided every challenging statement I made. I was so frustrated at the time with him for dodging any chance for us to connect and argue and fight and say what needed to be said. But reading back, I was just frustrated with myself for letting him bypass what was so desperately vital for us to keep going. I tried my hardest and when he didn't tug back, I gave up. I should have ended it, right there, right then. I should have, I could have, I didn't.
Afterwards I sat here in front of my computer and I cried. Then I sat on my bed and I cried some more. I cried and I cried for this girl that got so lost she couldn't even see a sign so blindingly obvious. I cried for the destruction of a whole relationship with another human being and the fragility of any friendship you may form in life. I cried for reasons I will never realise. I cried for the emptiness that has been torn inside me. I cried for this unfulfilled feeling I have far too frequently nowadays. I cried for the sake of crying. I cried for a release. I cried because I cry and that is what I do.
Yes, I cry. That is my thing now. I cry at least once every two weeks, because if I don't it all comes bawling out because someone left the milk out, or someone said something out of line. I will be balancing on a tightrope, and suddenly something will push me over the edge and I will howl tears that don't settle me but leave me confused and scared by the inconsistency of my own feelings. I used to get angry, now I just cry.
I blame the hormones.
J x
No comments:
Post a Comment