New Perspectives..

This is totally out of context seeing as neither one of us has written anything here for months, but I just read through my old posts about Foreign Lover and WOW how things have changed. It's so weird to look back on how upset I got over things which at the time seemed HUGE and now seem silly and pathetic. Turns out I had nothing to worry about at all.
It's like what Fergie says.. "All the things I know right now, if I only knew back then". When I first heard this song, I heard this line negatively- as in back then when I had let down my guard to Foreign Lover and started to really like him I had no idea of how much shit he would put me through.
But now, with my new perspective on the whole situation, due to recent visit to his house, I hear this line positively. If only I knew throughout the whole time I was suffering that really, I was just being paranoid and twisting most of what I read into what I wanted it to be- and being so self destructive, it was all negative. And the things that I read that I didn't twist, that I knew were true- such as Foreign Lover getting a girlfriend and their pictures being posted all over facebook- I didn't even need to worry about.
If only I knew back then, I would have saved myself from six months of hurt. And screw facebook for making me so paranoid- when I actually spoke to Foreign Lover about everything (and embarassingly I do mean everything..), I realised how everything had been out of context, and I had no idea how he was actually feeling.
Finally, all those posts I made about not being beautiful or skinny enough- well I'm not saying that I'm happy with myself, but he saw me with no make up on and didn't puke.
That's all I needed really.

I love goths

Boys Are Such A Bloody Chore

I could actually cry right now. But no, I'm going to put everything into words because once feelings are words they're really not so big and scary anymore. God, I sound like I go to a shrink.
You know when you like someone - really like them, as in you get that feeling in your stomach and can't hold back a smile whenever someone says their name - but they just do not get it?
What can I do, save for throwing myself at him?

I guess I should give a little background information. Even when Emotionally Unitelligent and I were together, I began to like one of his best friends: Sweet Neighbour. He's funny and nice and has the cutest smile and lives nearby and has a weird side like me and is cheeky and... and he's honestly... kind of dumb.
I've gone from Emotionally Unintelligent to Plain Regular Unintelligent
See, we're friends but not close friends and for some reason our conversations on facebook are disappointingly boring, even though I know we have the same sense of humour. I don't know why we don't click - maybe I want us to too badly?
I've been trying my hardest to keep in contact with him yet not be too clingy and forward in case he doesn't feel the same way. Regardless its proving a very difficult task because he always signs off mid-conversation!
At first I put it down to a bad internet connection, but now it seems when he just can't be bothered to talk. And how can I build on a relationship and get something going if we don't even communicate?????

What is the point?
He obviously doesn't think of me that way
So why can't my sensible side take over?
Why am I still thinking about the coulda, woulda, shouldas?
THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING


Fuck me sideways, I hate emotions



J. x

Naturally Fucked...

I was stalking Foreign Lover's exes the other day, when I came across one who really fucked with my head. I recognised her name, and then remembered having read something somewhere about her being his 'first love'. Looking through her pictures I wanted to cry- she was thin, popular and naturally beautiful. Naturally beautiful. That's the phrase everyone commented her photos with. Even the friend beside me looking over my shoulder gasped, and said those exact words. Brilliant. And then I came across a comment from Foreign Lover himself... "You know what I think about this picture. You're beautiful ♥".

Never have I had a comment from him even verging on that. For a guy to call a girl beautiful on a photo comment which everyone can see is really something.
The thing about me is that I'm not naturally beautiful. In fact, I'm not beautiful at all. My look is obvious- fake blonde hair, makeup, low cut tops, big boobs and short skirts. Okay for a first glance, a one night thing, but there's nothing special about me so people don't want me for any longer than that.

So, for some reason I thought visiting my favourite thinspo websites would make me feel better. I couldn't have been more wrong. I now have 258 pictures saved on my computer. I think that counts as being obsessed? Like, worryingly.

Why the fuck does everything that upsets me in my life link back to me not being beautiful or skinny? And why have I still not done something about it?! For fuck's sake. No wonder he doesn't give a shit about me anymore.

I would do literally anything to be as naturally stunning as any of them.

Goes without saying that I would not be having these daily depressions due to Foreign Lover's dwindling interest if I was...

I think my self-confidence just hit -9786493295754898159.

♥ C

The Sun Has Made Me Positive

I'm hungry.
I'm tired.
I'm over-worked (though I haven't actually done any of it).
I'm aching.
I'm bored.
I'm all sunned-out.

And I am very pissed off at myself for having done absolutely NOTHING for my past two weeks of holiday.
It's kind of been like being a zombie for a fortnight. Zombies are cool and, don't get me wrong, it was fun at the time. But now that I look back, I have nothing to show for my hours wittled away watching E Entertainment and the occasional episode of Life of Ryan. Nothing but a repertoire of highly useful celebrity knowledge and a re-established love of Ryan Sheckler and the beautiful state of California.
But tomorrow it all ends, when I have to wake up for school at 6.45. Bring it! I know what you're thinking: I should be dreading the inevitable shrills of the alarm clock, right? Wrong. For once I am actually excited to have some structure and a place to be every day. I'm going to be super concentrated at school and cram in as much information as I can in preparation of The Big Exams.
Well, least that's the plan...

WISH ME LUCK

J. X

One Wish

If there was one thing I could ask for in the world, it wouldn't be Foreign Lover. It would be to be beautiful.




Guess I'm screwed.

♥ C

When other hoes get involved...

Having not spoken to Foreign Lover for a few days (his fault, not mine, as always..), it came as a LOVELY surprise to find a comment on his profile from a girl- 'was nice to finally see you ;) haaa xxxx'. I'm sorry, WHICH part of that comment was funny? And what's with the winking face??!!

Not only is this girl VERY PRETTY, but she is also ENGLISH. Lethal combination, especially when he always talked about how he doesn't like the French girls he knows because they're all the same. Brilliant brilliant brilliant, she sounds freakin' perfect to me. She's also skinny. This just doesn't get any better does it...

Having stalked her a bit (alright, A LOT), I found that she had also 'liked' two of his profile pictures. Fair enough, I mean he's pretty hot.. but then I realised one of the pictures she had liked was the 28th in his Profile Pictures album. Um. FUCKING KEEN OR WHAT. She's obviously a demented obsessed stalker freak...
That makes two of us then.

He better bloody watch his reply, because I will be analysing it within an inch of its life.
And I swear to God, if either of them are considering her being my successor.. Well let's just say she had better be prepared.

I fight dirty.

♥ C